2013.

Personal

So, what has 2013 taught me? Well, I guess taught isn’t the right word to use since I’ve already known these things…so, reassured me? Ok, that might be the word I’m looking for.

2013 reassured me that I have an amazing support system. I know this sounds redundant because lately I’ve been saying I have the best support system in my life, but it’s ok. I’ll never get tired of saying or knowing that. Without them, I’d probably be spiraling down a black hole.

2013 reassured me that my mom is truly the strongest woman I will ever know in my life. Time after time, year after year, problem after problem, she still manages to live life every day with a smile. To still care for others regardless of how many people have screwed her over. To keep waking up every morning even though her baby isn’t here with us. Nothing is worse than hearing year after year that, “This was not my year. This was a bad year. ” Regardless of it all, she is still the most amazing, selfless woman.

2013 reassured me that there are awful people in the world. Is it bad to say that there will probably always be bad people in the world? As if it wasn’t bad enough to hear and read all of the stories of things people are doing to one another, it’s even worse when it happens to you or someone close to you. Bullying still exists and it still happens for no reason. People pick on others for what? Especially those that they know absolutely nothing about. Did they ever take the time to get to know him? Did they know how sweet, kind, wise, and funny he was? No. Because people like to judge and treat others with disrespect for nothing or for petty things. So, 2013 reassured me that regardless of what you think you know or regardless of the stupid reasons why you don’t like someone, just respect them. Be kind to one another. You never ever know what kind of battle they are going through.

2013 reassured (reminded?) me to get to know someone. Make friends. Give someone a chance. Get to know more about the people you already know. Appreciate each other’s presence. You never know. You may be missing out on a beautiful friendship. Trust me, I’ve had many people pass judgement on me before they even said one word to me. Decided who and what I was at first glance. My relationships with others have grown and became stronger this year, without a doubt.

2013 reassured me that I can never lose sight of who I am. For a little, I was a very confused person. More than now. Even with the support system I have, I must also remind myself of who I am and who I strive to be. I am strong. I must not lose faith. I am a hardworker and I will keep working hard. I will continue to care for others. I will continue to be a positive person. I am…I will…I can.

So, one thing that 2013 did teach me. Time does not heal all wounds. Some wounds are just too deep. Too far beyond repair. With this situation, every day I get sadder, but every day is a new day. With every new day, there can still be happiness. There is still life.

Giving Thanks Through a Tough Time.

Personal

This year has had it’s share of ups and downs. From the stress of trying to find another job to the worry of family problems to the great summer beach trip with awesome friends. None of the downs compared to when my life changed and one of my biggest fears became a real life nightmare. I remember the exact moment I found out as if it happened just moments ago. It often plays over and over in my head, my mind unable to snap out of it. Honestly, I don’t think it’ll ever completely sink in and I won’t fully accept it. For a while, I didn’t want to do anything that required getting up and not eating junk food. However, the support system I had didn’t allow me to do that (most times). Which leads me to why I’m writing.

This week is Thanksgiving week. A time where we’re supposed to give thanks. I personally think we should be thankful everyday and always be grateful for what we have. I make it a thing to constantly remind myself that even though times can get difficult and things aren’t going right, I am still blessed in many ways. When my brother first passed away, I didn’t understand why (and still don’t). It was as if nothing made sense anymore and I was lost. But, as with every tough obstacle, I needed to find my way through it. I needed to keep telling myself that I still have amazing things in my life. With every negative thing, there is a positive. Even if you don’t know what that positive thing is, make it a mission to find it. To come across a mountain is one thing, but to turn around and walk away is another. With that said, I wanted to say some things that I am thankful for as of late.

I am thankful for my loving, selfless mother. I live to make her happy and strive to be my best for her. For all the sacrifices she’s made for me and my brothers, I will do the same for her. Because of her, I kept my head up after our loss.

I am thankful for my boyfriend. For his patience with me when I get in my “moods”. For taking care of me after my brother passed. For always trying to put a smile on my face, even if it means acting a fool.

I am thankful for AN and ZM. For making sure I was fed, always asking if I ate, and constantly asking how I was doing. AN for giving me nonstop support and not judging me…as weird as I can get.

I am thankful for my lovely roommates and the fact that we get along with each other so well. For the nights we sit talking about whatever and laughing at each other. For the respect we give each other and the beautiful home we share.

I am thankful for all of my friends that sent their well wishes and love my way after my brother passed. For being a great support system when I needed it the most. For making my heart swell up knowing that I had multiple shoulders to lean on if needed.

I am thankful for the job that I am about to leave after 5 years. Even though a lot has changed within the company and it has been a struggle to get out, I am still thankful because it gave me a paycheck and taught me a lot. It gave me experience in different aspects, which helped me get a new job. Which is another thing I am thankful for.

I can’t imagine how this Thanksgiving will go without my brother. I know it will be a sad time and a happy time all at once. My mom, older brother, and I get to spend it with my bf’s family for the first time and for that I am grateful. So as this year is coming to a close, I think about all of the things I wish I could’ve done differently. But, we cannot dwell in the past. Hopefully 2014 will be a heck of a year with more unforgettable moments to cherish.

Waves.

Personal

“Alright, here it goes. I’m old. What that means is that I’ve survived (so far) and a lot of people I’ve known and loved did not. I’ve lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can’t imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here’s my two cents.

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don’t want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don’t want it to “not matter”. I don’t want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can’t see.

As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.”